amusement and sardonism

i amused myself yesterday by digging up archives of the past and reading about my dreams. they seem so clear, yet in all clarity, they have been forgotten. this seems to echo some parts of my life. we mostly live in the present, think of mashes of the past, of history, of some things that linger more than others in the mind for spots of time and then silently slip away, to be erased, to be forgotten. how sad, and at the end of it all, when life makes monkeys of us all, what have we left in the end but transcient memories, scraps, scratches and snatches of what we used to have and in this thread memory becomes a curse, of a rememberance of things that we once used to have, that we no longer have, mocking at our current state of holding on to nothing, after all, we are born with nothing and leave the world with nothing.

the stupid ASOS dress did not arrive in the mail and so i have to begin scouting around for another dress to wear as an accompaniment to my cousin, the bride, on her big day. i shall be slightly more than a wallflower since there are several other bridesmaids and i shall content to just fade into the background and wane with simple, mundane tasks. "oh you look so pretty!", "congratulations", "you can't get into the house unless you give us a red packet".

i wanted to get out of the house yesterday. how sad that we should already feel blue on monday, the taxing 4 days before the weekend still hang there, like a dreary and gloomy pall that we have to go through before the end of time. i wanted to get out of the house, but there was a cover charge at the bar, how sad. having a quick drink does not equate in monetary terms to paying such a hefty cover charge so i rotted at home. am still brushing off the maggots now, okay, my bad. it was a lame attempt at humour.

in more than a sardonic mood now. i dream of school yesterday and the computer lab. it was funny but in the dream i couldn't recall for the hell of me why the school suddenly morphed into another school altogether. it was only upon waking up that i realised the school i dream of was one that i had not entered since i left in 1998. that's 7 years for you. i feel old already.

so, when will the bell ring and end our misery?