this christmas

has been a bit dull, a bit typical, a bit special, a bit too fast, a bit too disappointing, a bit like all x'mas-es.

***

the birthday came and went, and along with it, a whiff of nonchalance at turning 23 for there really isn't anything much to look forward to yet, to just keep going on despite everything because as they all claim, youth is still on our side.

***

loads of meals and chocolates later, there is a realisation that some people do still care, though not all. i guess that's more or less sufficient for me. nice gifts received, more thought put in this year i guess- calendars, towels, jewellery, clothing, watches, chocolates, toiletries - bah, the usual as usual can be. strangely i think that the excitement of unwrapping presents diminish with the passing of each year. might be coerced into buying presents, wrapping them and then sending smiles on the faces on the young ones instead - that is parcel of growing up i guess.

***

the new year ahead beckons, after the massive birthday party of the supposed Messiah that half the world does not believe in. i wonder how snow sprays and fake snow fights were relevant to christmas - it seems rather pathetic to be amusing ourselves with faux snow here in sunny singapore when the rest of the world tog themselves in fur coats and have snow fights and actually make snowmen - stuff out of fairytales for us i guess - with snow, and stone that make do for the eyes, nose, mouth, buttons.
so not quite new york this time in a posh lovely hotel with luxury carpeting, no sipping of the red wine and trying not to spill it on the leather couches, admiring the candles glitter in the dim light.
tokyo, someday. new york, someday.

***

the lights were lovely and now are etched on some parts of my screen now, depending where i click with my mouse.
taken on a whim, edited and now a memory.
faux snow, the lights, flicking off suds at a traffic light junction, a quiet space in a pub in the mess of orchard, quite a miracle.
i also learned that very same night, that someone else is having a ball of a time, sitting in classrooms, posing for that ocassional photo, with ladies with oh-such-painted-faces, oozing senseless charm and wit i suppose, shattering egos and the-like along the way. but you were so yesterday, so have yourself a good life and not drown somewhere along the indian or pacific ocean, crying for your life.

***

you read past diaries and you remember many things that you've probably never forgotten.

oh well. just another week more. to a supposedly new beginning although life will go on the same way as before.

Icarus all over again -
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.

or by frost, somewhat.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned in life: It goes on."
-Robert Frost

nothing really changes. but nothing lasts forever either.

i wish you best, i wish you life, i wish you drink from the vial of the fevour of life. i wish you tears, i wish you pain, i wish you strength in growth. i wish you sadness in love, the pains of knives stabbed through the heart. i wish you a death full of lightness and release. i wish that one day you'd wake up though.
and i wish the same for me.

my christmas wish perhaps, a day too late.