because

because i have many things on my mind. because i have to be up at 6 or 7am tomorrow morning, being an oral examiner to kids whom i have never seen before and having part of their exam grades resting on my shoulders does not appear to be a welcoming prospect to me. because i do not know the breakdown of the marks as yet and have to panick tomorrow morning. because my colleague got scolded for the same reason and i should just wait to be reprimanded. because i failed 3 people from my class and penalised another hundred (ok this is exaggeration) for not reading the question carefully and not looking carefully enough at the picture. because my class is ill-prepared and it is my fault. because some lamer called "canailou" added me on MSN and is trying to chat with me. because i have an insipid mind.
because i am quite fucked.

***

i dreamt that i cut my hair today, a short crop with an equally short fringe that mortified me but strangely, did not bring me to tears as i remember how i looked astonished at myself in the mirror, images of me in short hair bringing back to mind how i looked fugly in those teenage years. and then i murdered someone and had to run away but was discovered and i dreamt of the cousin with an impending shotgun marriage.
because she is pregnant, because her to-be-husband tried to ask for my number after he sent me back once. because i can't really tell anyone and am typing this out on the world wide web now- ironical isn't it?

***

i have been thinking about typing about the girl that i am but it just sounds narcisstic and will welcome comments about me, myself and i. and i realise that everything i do will be judged, commented and that truly sucks because freedom is shit.

***

i dread mondays, look forward to weekends and the cycle goes on. i alternate between loving and hating my job and my life, hating everything most of the time and then despising myself because i seem pointless.
but of course i am sounding sad.
holiday by green day reminds me of heady times, times when we had nothing to fear, nothing to look forward to, life like a clear blue sky, and looking up at it, you never knew where the blue began or ended.
now i see a tree in front of me perhaps and i simply stare at it. some days i notice the bark, other days i notice the leaves. sometimes i see the worm eaten leaves and before i know it, a gradual change has occured and the tree is dried and barely alive.

***

you had me. i need to get out. somedays i am grateful that it's gone, that it happened, but other days i rue everything i can think of. when everything's gone, nothing's left and there's nothing to look forward to.
i used to think that it was impossible to have two sides to a person and barely recognising one side when the other existed. now it seems too pretty easy to me that it's scary. i used to think that once this equilibrium was reached, everything would be simple because there is no longer anything for any holding back, or any emotions. now i see that perhaps it is not the way i want to live.
to search for the way i want to live- to find it, a far way off since it will be a difficult search.

***

jolt me.