the dream

now that i happened to see some photos, well, that reminded me of my dream last night. i've been dreaming many funny dreams lately. and when i used to be able to sleep well, i toss and turn with the brimming excitement of a new day. not that i'm really enthusiastically looking forward to it, but the mind doesn't want to dim.
someone suddenly had a heart problem in my class today and i almost died.
eyes rolling back, shaking, trembling and leaning onto her classmate. scary shyte.
i dreamt many dreams.
i dreamt of my long dead hamster scurrying around and i was looking for it and i didn't manage to find it in the end but it didn't matter since what we are looking for all the time - we find that in the course of looking for it, we lose the need to possess it. and hardly, because nothing can really be possessed bu anyone.
my dream last night was not about my hamster, which i dreamt about the pst few days, but rather, it was about the woman whom i assume has an agenda.
in the dream i had a brother, an elder brother and while i'm the only child in real life, it felt plausible that i knew how it felt to have a sibling at that moment.
so the woman with an agenda wanted to go to erm, some country with my supposed brother. and i was telling him that once you go, you're bound to have sex with her and doesn't anyone think otherwise? because once you share a hotel room, chances are that you might have sex. so i couldn't let him do this to himself, particularly not with the woman with an agenda who really always has an agenda all the time.
so i grab him and i do not let him leave and we end up in a bundle of tears and it suddenly gets very hot.
urgh.
this is an anti-climax and you're wondering why you read till here, but i'm going to end and yes i did have this dream and i'm going to mark worksheets now.

a knife, but errr.







































you missed.

so.

let's get it started.

another start

for the third time,tomorrow is another start.
uncertainty at how things might turn out, yet detachment at whatever happens is the order of the day.

the parents and i ate 2 set meal breakfasts @ burger king and 5 boxes of star potatoes.
lunch was a bunch of durians and my head's spinning, reeling with all that junk food.

i still have slides to do and a newsletter to finalize and a plan to finish. shyte.

tardybelly

3. i feel bloated.
4. i put on weight.
5. i feel FAT.
6. i feel UGLY.

8.
9.
10.
11. fucktard offers to pay if i can't pay (I MEAN WTF?! i'm not poor darling?)
12.
13. fucktard pretends to be chummy at everyone.

biatch

i'm not so sure who i'm scolding. but byatch anyway.
i dont get highly personal in this quiet blog of mine but i'm extremely pissed right now, so have to get it off my chest.

i think it is very rude to give handphone numbers of your friends to your other friend who has just graduated from NTU accountancy and is now working like a dog in some filips securities or whatever crap. and it must be out of pity because your friend speaks like she is reading from a script and cannot even sound natural.

like hello? we are only secondary school friends and we HAVE NOT EVEN MET IN RECENT YEARS AND THE ONLY TIME I HEAR YOUR NAME IS WHEN IT IS MENTIONED IN THE COURSE OF HER SPEECH:

"your frien J.C has found our advice to be extremely useful and would like to share this plan with you"

or something like that it went.

so i go

"i'm not interested."
yah lor, straight to the point isn't it? come 'on, don't waste your time and mine, but i was still too polite to SAY THIS OUT LOUD.

and in her blur voice, spastic and trying to sound like she is reading from a script again.

"oh. but i haven't actually told you what i've called for so how come you can tell me that you're not interested?"

(What the fark! it's obviously the INSURANCE THING OR SOME FINANCIAL PLAN THING)
I HAVE BRAINS EVEN IF YOU DO NOT.

so she goes on. and on and on lah. about the stupid plan or advice or whatever shit i don't know because i was cutting up my mango sale plastic bags to admire my loot ad i was trying to make noise so she could tell that i was doing something else and wasn't interested.
WTF!

so i go "umm' and "ah" and at the end, she suggests a meet up.
so the 2 words come up again,

"not interested".

so she goes

"oh, (blah blah shit) so could we continue to keep in touch with you?"

NO ! I SAY

"oh why not? J (my stupid friend's name) has some friends also interested in this (I DOUBT SO LOR!)

"NOT INTERESTED"

" OH THEN WHY not you seek a time to meet up with J and talk to her about this plan?"

"i have in fact asked her why she has given my number to a stranger and she has not replied."

"oh, (and here is the clincher) i GUESS J IS VERY BUSY SINCE SHE IS WORKING AT ERNST AND YOUNG".

wah lao eh, is that any of my farking biz? why the ^%$# should i care even if she is working at a top end company? is that meant to make me think that since such a highly talented individual as J is taking up your stinking plan, that i should do so as well?

so later she goes on to introduce the stages of the plan and I HANG UP ON HER HALFWAY! SHIOK LOR. PEACE AND QUIET.

i guess i've lived in the shadows enough to really emerge from the shadows a stronger person than J ever was or whoever the crap in my secondary school who pretended to fit in have ever done.

and to J: the former school belle who evicted laughter from a guy friend upon hearing this. take that.

*disclaimer: no name mentioned, so don't come crying.
i need to let off steam, what goes around comes around.
filips people better not call me anymore. or they;ll get it.

童话

忘了有多久 再没听到
你对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了
是不是我又做错了什么

你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后
我的天空 星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后
我的天空 星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

bang bang

I was five and he was six...We rode on horses made of sticks. He wore black and I wore white. He would always win the fight.

Bang bang, he shot me down...
Bang bang, I hit the ground...
Bang bang, that awful sound...
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

Seasons came and changed the time. When I grew
up, I called him mine. He would always laugh and
say "Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down...
Bang bang, you hit the ground...
Bang bang, that awful sound...
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down...

you know?

you know? really, i somehow believe that deep in the world, perhaps in some other spectre of time, we still exist, as we were at any point of time in our lives.

as a child, i am tracing the mosiac tiles in the kitchen. my tiny fingers poised accurately to trace the grey patterns in the white tiles.
the bright orange kitchen cabinets have not been torn down, and exist as bright as the day they were made, untouched by sunlight which reduces their brightness and turns them a pale orangey-yellow.
i trudge up the dingy stairs leading to my apartment as the sun shines across my back and paints a moving picture of myself, a replica of myself walking up the stairs, which appears as a block of grey shadow. and my shadow grows as i ascend.
in another time and in another place, i am still in the dingy motel with the tiny pillow and listening to the drips and draps of water leaking from the toilet pipe, tossing and turning on the hard bed, pulling at the thin white covers and feeling the rough blanket that comes with the covers for warmth.
in another time and another place, i was alone.

a night

return inevitably evokes a sense of familiarity and reminds one of the life detached from in the days that one goes by routine, the compact spaces one is reduced to, the ability to make do.
the ears are blocked and are functioning well only when i turn my head down and see everything behind me as upside down.
standing at historical monuments remind me of how wide the world is.
a solitary life beckons, but not yet.
it's boring because of silence.
silence is golden.
i hate being pigeonholed.
everyone is childish.

if life could be a night flight.

everyone is stupid.

wafts of cigarette smoke
a dingy computer terminal
nondescript faces.

hard plastic armchairs.

and a dream.

Wake Me Up

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends.
Wake me up when we land.

:)

Colmar

back from Colmar.
ran into an ex Econs JC lecturer all the way up high in the mountains, which reminds me firstly that the world is small no matter how big it seems and that it's been 5 years since JC- another attempt at a reminder that i am ageing and cannot live forever.

the city sleeps

the city sleeps.

symmetry

Miss H was right and it's only fate alone that gave me the yellow slip of paper that i would think of in so many instances in my life.
the ink was not waterproof and because of that there was a watermark but it hardly matters because what's in it has stood through time and proved to be both comfortable and comforting in the way i've fallen against it.