hey, lucky 200!

i wonder what i'm doing here once again, typing, knocking the keys on my laptops when mounting piles of work are just waiting for me to delve into them.
then again, maybe i'll take the easy way out - the yellow pill and just fall again. to fall into a deep sleep once again.

are you still taking yellow pills?

i realised today that i no longer need an answer, a reason to carry on. whatever i possess belongs to me alone and i'm accountable to no one, really.

and wow, surprisingly, this is the 200th entry of this blog. when i started it off, i meant it to be a public one - one that i could showcase on friendster and have lame pictures on it and the like. then i realised that i wasn't quite comfortable with the idea of my friends reading so much about my life. bah. and so i shifted for a while, closed this blog occassionally when i felt the need to, and opened it again last july or thereabouts, i remember.

so what has this blog seen me through? 2 relationships, 2 memorable ones and though i can't say for sure that i was the "dumper" for both, i was certainly the initiating party, both of them got the hint, i guess. and while the first relationship reminds me of bliss, pleasantries, hot summer days and outings and joy, i can't really say the same for the next, because the other party was apparently so sore about not being the initiating party that "it" began to spread vicious rumous about me to our mutual friends. now that is what i call, telling. thank you for telling me that you truly wanted me and were so upset at my actions that you just had to do it. thank god for sms-es. the next time i meet our mutal friends who give me weird vibes as a result of what you've been telling them i can just whip out my phone and show them your mushy, mushy messages, kept not out of nostalgia but out of my stint in the civil service - everything must be in black and white ah!

i can't even believe how my colleague could actually bring herself to ask me about my bonus. pffft.

i've been accustomed to the way that there is a pause after you dial the eight numbers on your phone. yes, there will be a pause and once the phone is switched off, it only takes 2 seconds for the phone to get into the voicemail mode. once the pause is longer than 2 seconds, however, it means that the line is getting connected, and that is when i hang up the phone.

to leave no trace behind. to know that something is for certain without you ever knowing.

gads. it's already half past eleven.

backs. naked backs and you notice a mole that you've never noticed before. will he stir if i cover him gently with the blanket? pores. i lift a finger and try to put it as close to his skin as i can without touching it. will my fingers touch the fine hairs. my lips part in concentration. i paint a pretty picture of us together.