lights up!

a tiny plastic ornament hangs from a pedestal, mocking me as it swings forwards and backwards. a cheap object, gained from a pseudo-machine taking in cash in the guise of amusing young children, reminding me of the time all the children swarmed around us in taipei, squealing in delight and counting down as the toys tumbled down from the machines in return for a paltry 10 yuan.

fun, laughter, and joy. these remind me of another scene. intersperse the present moment with the precocious delight of children. eyes wide in disbelief and unbriddled curiosity at what could have caused so much joy - half in bewilderment too, at the huge concept of happiness itself, little of which they have grasped - for how would they have known that without sadness, they would never have known joy. joy, pure unadulterated, a bane to those who realise that joy at the present moment would only serve to remind them of "the better time", as so-called when it comes to their turn to be down and out?

i crossed the path of death once this week, ignoring the flashing green man and insistent on going across the road. i stopped in the middle and glared angrily at the motorbike taking precendence, moving forward, then realising that all the vehicles were moving forward, and none were looking at my bike stuck in the middle of the road, crossing towards the right side of the road as i was, and turning right to the expressway as they were. i flustered. yet, the classic instance of half your life flashing past you while you are facing imminent death never falls true, for me, anyway.

in the past month, i have been busy. i have grieved far lesser than i thought i might have. i have flown to taipei with tickets bought the day before again, as usual. i walked the streets of ximending and took the jieyun again. i didn't buy any taiyangbings back anyhow. in a flash, it is difficult to sum up what i've been up to these past few months when i've been unreachable. it could have all been a dream, it could have not. anyhow, like kafka on the shore, i do think i might be in a sandstorm right now. perhaps the best resort would be to take my hands and cover my ears with them, to close my eyes and to hope that my lids offer the best protection against the flying dust in the wind.

as always, the lights are still on. i don't know how or why, but that is a consolation.