my song

i dream of black ants that moved together on white tiles, strange though that there was no food present that could attract them.

i dreamt of that faceless boy again yesterday and i looked down upon the empty hall and thought of shadows being flung against the brown tiles of the school hall.
i think i dreamt of him again, having an ice cream from those old-school ice cream motor carts. i sat down from a distance, watching him again as usual and he was looking in my direction, looking but not seeing.

i listen to an indie tune and it makes me think of an accident.

an accident that takes place at the happiest moment of a boy's life. he performs and perfects his stance and then pauses for a while.
at that exact same moment, a girl was crossing the road, not knowing how and why to live her life any further. the car inches closer steadily and she would never know why the horn was never sounded.
the impact sends her flying upward, but not for long as she begins her descent downwards towards the car, her back hits the front bonnet of the car in a sickening crunch. her head dangles over the edge of the bonnet for a while and then the weight of it pulls her body downwards to the ground and there is a sickening thud as her body hits the ground.

the song has ended and no more. the driver exits and the onlookers swarm. sound is strangely absent, as if everything is happening in a vaccum.

at this very same moment, it is announced that he is the champion and his face lights up.

***

the decision to go to Hong Kong was a rather sudden one, spun up from thoughts of wanting to kill myself, frustration at wasting 3 precious days of my life in a stupid Brownie camp - on hindsight, it made me realise that time IS precious, and i just wasted 3 days of my life there, and so, instead of looking back in regret - which i am still doing - i am more determined than ever to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. yeah. as if.

so in line with that, i booked my air tickets to HK on a whim on that saturday morning at 830am, just before we went to that fateful camp where the girls pissed the hell out of me by being so excited about every single thing in the world and asking extremely stupid questions which i shall not care to recount over here in case my blood pressure shoots up and i die before i reach HK.

girl guides. a mystery to me, always and forever. i can't see what's with the spirited cheers, the cooking of food, the using of axes, the telematches and the games that are reminiscent of JC orientation days which i was once crazy over - hell, i was even an OGL before *dies in shame* but those days were fun ones.
perhaps the passing of the times have jaded me, shaped me up to be more prepared for the hard knocks in life.

***

i can't help but keep thinking of that song. the start of the song sees paramedics swarming around, deathly silence prevails, save the song that was playing eerily in the background.

a boy walks out of the school gate with his sister and they turn towards the scene of the accident. the boy is captivated, and so is his sister, but his sister thinks of dinner, piping hot, served at home and after a long day of training, just wants to get home. she walks away and then turns and calls out the name of the boy captivated by the scene of the accident. i can still see him in my mind, the brows creased in concentration, fixated, staring, captivated by the possibilities of whatever lay on the stretcher, on that white sheet, and then turning to look at his sister who called his name, turning back again for a final glance at the scene and taking decisive steps in the direction of his home, turning back to face another direction only when his feet had carried him some ways ahead.

i did dream of walking along tsim sha tsui dressed in a spag top and pedal pushers perhaps, pockets being a necessity, i for the present moment having a strange affliction for pockets - oh, to simply put my hands in them and swagger along the streets.
so plans are in store for loads of shopping, a haircut, hairdye - i have decided, streaks of red - highlights, perhaps a spa, facial and eyelash extensions - whatever, whenever, at my own time. and afternoon naps in the tiny rooms of the dorsett hotel too, screw all those i've travelled with who say naps are a waste of time - it's my holiday and my life.

so hong kong later and i'm living my dreams.