the double well

But enough, enough. All that disgusting mess is due to the inertia, pigheadedness, prejudice of humans, failing to recognise me in the corpse of my flawless double. I accept, with a feeling of bitterness and contempt, the bare fact of unrecognition but I keep on firmly believing in my double's perfection.

Vladimir Nabokov

***

i was stark deep the four days past. rethinking the meaning of my life and what it all meant to me and when it all started.
the catalyst- a screen-shot in a dark room, whispering to me things that i had lost, things that i never had, taunting me with empty promises that could never exist.
the dark room and closed eyes that could not open.

Toru in the dark well in the backyard of the house with the sculpture of the wind-up bird with wings outstretched and awaiting flight.

i could not think. the music spun around me, surrounding me and sending pierces that were unusually loud or soft into my ear. the floor spun. i think of a ship. i repeated words in my head, unable to think of what came after them when they were already ingrained deep into me. unable to think of right or wrong. my bag. is it still there? what to do next? to go with the flow.

Toru was in a dream and in his dream he was in the hotel. It always brought him to the same hotel room with the waiter pushing around a new bottle of Cutty Sark. The waiter whistled merrily. The hotel was unlike any other hotel. The rooms were in a maze and you could get lost in the maze. he enters the room with the waiter.

i think of nails and tissue hidden under nails. sinew, limbs. i wore the pants for graduation. the shoes i still wear at times, pointy mules.
i like to give. lines and squares. scissors to cut paper.

He received calls from a strange woman. The woman keeps silent and speaks at times. She does not identify herself. Malta comes along and tries to help Toru look for his missing cat, Noburu Wataya.

Because it just happened, not for any particular reason. but because of this, there is a catalyst. To represent that which is missing in me, and that which i will never possess. To raise discontent in me and the willingness to search for what i should be getting in life.

Toru visits May Kasahara in the wig factory where she makes wigs all day. May Kasahara has written many letters to him that have never reached him. He leaves her and falls into a deep sleep on the train back.

Perhaps I should go work in a wig factory.