oh blogger just ate my post up.
as i was saying.

ohfuckkit.

there's more to life that everything else, really.
and we don't have to be accountable to anyone at all, except ourselves, really.
because once we cna account to ourselves, the rest just falls into place.

loads more of work to do, but i am ohsotiredsoiamgoingtosleep.
of course being a human, i am entitled to feelings and opinions.

die, you.

one week since and i shall go back.

everyday i wake up and it's not sunday.
my arms failed me this morning.
i missed picking up the clock three times.
i shall turn into an imbecile soon.
oh, helen, when you praised me for that imbecile sentence we both didn't know, didn't know.

hold me now

I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.
If I can ask God just one question
Why arent YOU here with me tonight?
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down.

snowflakes

snowflakes from harbin.

not very well taken =p but they sure brought a smile to my face and a cheer to my frazzled day ahead.

food log

i have had the following for dinner in no particular order for the past 4 nights.

- nasi padang from zon road (briyani, chicken, tempeh, kambing, achar)
- baked fish from country manna
- sakae sushi's salmon teriyaki bento set
- kampong glam market: mutton chop and chicken satay with gnerous helpings of
rice and onions.

good food always pleases me but

i a m g r o w i n g F A T .

still, one should eat well when one still can.

what a wonderful day.
thee world hates me and i hate the world.

so much nonsense.
everyone please grow up and get a life.

out of reach

i want to sleep.
but the songs are so lovely.
there was trademark's "6am and the rain is falling" song
and then there was this jewel song.
and now gabrielle's "out of reach".

at times like these,
it's just me and the world.
and everything else melts away.
and the day seems worth its' while.
but nothing can touch me.

he is joachim dressed in black.
oh dear.
not fifty babies but sixty ones.

break that birdie

oh dear.
so embarassing.

*dies of shame*

but the drops, the drops.
drops on faux leather,
drops on varnished wood.

and then she left.


Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

shape

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

***

Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who smile are lost

***

everything stinks but.

***

sting songs remind me of a person.
99a3 people should know.
the other day i heard "if i ever lose my faith in you" and it made me smile.
november '03 showed me it was time to be proud.
but over 2 years, much has been forgotten.
that should not be the case.

today i thought of a place, a recalled concept.
and my heart physically ached.

get thee to a nunnery

she will die again on the shores of singapore.

to write about life and then to wonder if there is anything that has not already been written about it and of it- that writing is inconsequential because it exists simply for the plain purpose of existence- for the validation of meaning.

here comes the rain again.

but for sure, we hardly know anyone at all, do we?
so why the crave to know more?

***

and in case anyone was wondering, yes i do know.

HIP/HIP

When youre on a holiday



You cant find the words to say



All the things that come to you



And I wanna feel it too.

sweet & sour fish

swwet and sour fish has taken on a new meaning today after my grandmother mourned the death of two of her carp and asked me over for sweet and sour fish in the same breath.

hey you

i'm off to such a lovely holly-holly-day
on an island in the sun
to save me from drowning in the sea,
and to beat me up upon the beach.

Lol.

metacognition

the dreams.
i dreamt of placing it in the middle of a swimming pool and returning to take it and slipping into the pool and falling, and drowning. of a bright light above me that never faded.
but the drowning, the drowing.
such a slow process of first not being able to bring yourself to the surface and then the panicking that sinks in. the gradual slight swallowing of water when panick sinks in. then you sink a little as you fail to bring yourself to greater heights, and the attempt to breathe that brings ever-so more water into your lungs. and then, blackness.
but i do not fear drowning.

the ability of an imagined concept to form into reality.
the lucidity of dreams lead one to wonder why a life has to be lived.
isn't it enough to eat, breath, and then to sit on your favourite armchair and think the day away?
perhaps not.
but today, the beauty of having a dreamed and imagined concept seemingly taking root in the back of my head before, before the phone rang.

and then it evaded me.

i had this thought of the imagined concept being something that was chosen to take root in reality, but at a different time and place, and perhaps when it did so, i would do.
but until then.

words that spoke the noon: good vibes, chole. i have no idea why.
and H who morphed into I, eerily.

today, i understood what may tan said 8 years ago.
it's been a long time.

today, i thought about



contentment.

here comes the rain

waking up to the pitter patter of rain is wonderful.

they are repainting my block.
from the blue hues to blank white and then pale orange.

the trash on my window ledge is gone.
how disconcerting.

what i wrote with cement is gone.
how absolutely disconcerting.

but time will pass as it has, always.
and the years will roll by and soon
we will be dead.

so they can repaint my block
and they can change everything,
because we are all going to die.

the ensuring struggle to capture in words
the infinite possibilities of a life not lived.
(the last time they met)

there is something wrong with the world and it is very disheartening.
i'm too tired to say anything more.

sunlight in streams, sunlight in streaks.

it's hazy and smokey.
the tree near my window has sprung tiny yellow flowers.
it used to think it was winter back in november 04 and shed all its' leaves.

the harsh sunlight coupled with the haze makes everything look woozy.
sunlight in streams, sunlight in streaks.

i wish.

So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train.
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane.
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

please let me.