electricity. jolt. recognition. silence.

handshake, surprise.

nothing at first. silent.

soft, lined, leathery, shaven.

trimmed, neat, wry.

silent.

that i dwadle and dream and hope and then get them dashed and remain planted to my fate as i hate and rave and rant and die an angry child.

i'm glad that for once, my parents took me seriously. that there was slight shock registered on their faces and that my mother gaped in astonishment as she mouthed the words - one year.

so as i willow and wilt in this town day-by-day, reason for my existence ebbing away, the life in me reducing to nothingness, waking up at one at night, hourly intervals, never a good nights' sleep.

i so want to go away. where?

i don't think i was a difficult child, which surprises me when i have to deal with difficult children. i was never the model student either, rather, i was one of the forgettable ones, one of those seated in the corner, hair neatly tied, poised with a pencil, ready to jot down whatever i had to. i don't remember my biology teacher ever calling upon me to answer a question - she probably didn't even know my name, and so i faded, amidst the banter.

the more i talk to others, the less i seem to become, and the lesser i listen to the self.

i was back to the pill today, just fourteen months after i weaned off them. a year ago i was happier, unsure of where i stood, liberated by changed and determined to make the most of it.

and so the new year is upon us all.
the previous entry in this blog was about me receeding - the more work i did, the less i felt i had become.
what do i miss about 2009? sure i miss waking up at nine and the paltry marking which was a breeze compared to what i did in 2008. i miss teaching a group of overly-enthusiastic pupils who sapped my energy, particulary for the four hours i saw them for on fridays.
now it's back to the grind and it seems like nothing had changed except for the faces i see before me in the classroom.
ironically or otherwise, i've been assigned the same level and class alphabet as the first bunch of primary five pupils i taught back in 2006. there's even a sibling of a pupil from that 2006 batch, as if irony chose to mock further at me.
until today, i'm still not used to writing 2010. not that i have to, since i've already conveniently pasted 2010 on the top right hand corner of my whiteboard - since lazy ole' me doesn't want the trouble or inconvenience of writing it on a daily basis.

but i digress.

i miss:

trudging in the cold, alone.
waking up, alone and without a care in the world.
manila days - days of being heady in love.
days of waltzing into a bookstore.
days of watching the lights in orchard in all merriment.

it is time to sleep.