throwing open the door, i saw a birthmark on brown flesh. looking closer, i saw tufts of black hair emerging from under the worn orange quilt, a leg being stretched out from under the covers, a slender one. i was captivated. i realised with some surprise that i was not disgusted, rather, i was looking for a scene to unfold before me with some sort of morbid fascination. they didn't know i had thrown open the doors to my own bedroom, otherwise their movements would have quickened, their mouths opening in a wide O, the eyes becoming huge pools of surprise and would the words, i can explain would visit his mind.
i feel the doorknob delicately with my fingers for want of something to do. my fingers trace the curve of the knob as i watch their bodies move under the covers in a somewhat slow and swift movement. then she lets out a tiny gasp of pleasure and i see their bodies stop moving.
he emerges from under the covers, fingers around the shaft of his manhood, and is halfway across the room to the basin when he sees me.

***
i am tired. i no longer want to scold. i want to leave people alone. i don't want to tell people what to do, nor hang a silly smile on my face everyday as though everything is fine and dandy as i waste my life away.
i am tired, and i should sleep.

just the picture of snow makes me take a deep breath, imagining sharp cold air entering my nostrils and attacking my lungs. i can so imagine myself trudging down cobblestone paths, hands tucked into pockets and catching a snowflake in my tongue.
the cold doesn't make me think of gloomy days, contrary to what everyone thinks.
i loved nothing better than waking up in the morning in that tiny hotel room of mine with the desire to do nothing but to wait for the day to unravel.

and with the advent of time, what have i learned?
I've learned that money can buy momentary happiness and little else, and that sometime momentary happiness suffices, sometimes it does not.
I've learned that a life of drudgery does nothing but drain the soul and kill the spirit.
I've learned that happiness is mine to have, and my right alone.
I've learned that happiness is within grasp and just a matter of reaching for it.
I've learned that no mountain is too high or insurmountable, it's just a matter of whether you want to conquer it or not.
I've learned that words like "But what else can you do?" can be fed to the dogs. There is nothing I can't do if I set my mind and heart to it.
I've learned that it's only when you open yourself to the realm of endless possibilities that happiness has a chance to have a dance with you.
I've learned that in life, sometimes it's better to leap before you look and sometimes, to look before you leap.
I've learned that sometimes, when things go wrong, you just have to say, "Na Bey Ch** Bai!" and then move the f*** on.
I learned that everyone fucks up. If you fuck yourself over and over again over a single mistake, no one really gives a damn.
I will love myself for who I am.
I, the girl without the gift of the gab.
I, the girl who fucks up.
I, the girl with jiggly thighs!
I, the girl with acne scars.
I, the girl with a high-pitched voice.
I, the girl with too-small boobs.
I, the girl with a bad temper.
I, the girl who talks too loudly sometimes.
I, the girl who cries over nothing.

I am me, and I shall myself love.