vivid dreams, please leave me. i've so much to do and it rains. the rain puts a damper on me, renders me comatose on the sofa. it doesn't remind me of a rainy night when i watched the raindrops falling past the lamp posts outside my window, opening my eyes wide till they strained and i had to close them.
back to school tomorrow and the fiasco goes on. not to mention that on top of the normal hours, i still have to make my way to the far end of singapore for an excursion that lasts till 5 pm.
when the church bells rang at 6 pm, it seemed like pure agony that in 12 hours, it would be time to drag myself out of bed again - to begin things as though in limbo once more. to change, to eat and retch at the breakfast table as my stomach rebels against the thought of eating before seven in the morning. drinking tasteless coffee.
in a crowd, in a crowd, that three's a crowd. wasn't it just yesterday that i was part of a group discussing my friend's bridal plans with her? and that i was thinking - who the fuck would care how long the train of your gown is? or whether the bow's tied in front? or at the back, for any matter. so i silently was an outcast, as even a male friend of ours joined in all the excitement.
in a group once more - a year ago, i walked my bridge of dreams, and this time round, though i had plans after the event, nothing matters. i sat at brewerkz, bitching, nursing a glass of singapore sling, finishing up a pal's fruit beer. what else transpired? an impromptu drive to east coast's carls junior for a burger at 2 am, random drinks at 7 11 and flipping through magazines. and at the end of it all, i came back with a spinning head and fell asleep.
i see empty faces breaking into smiles - i see genuine smiles, and i wonder why i have to watch all these, as if to reassure myself of my presence.

and why did i have to dream of you again when i lost myself in slumber?
first, the cliff, the high cliff with the ravine at the bottom. the corner of the cliff broke off as both of us stepped on it and i watched the hills shift slightly as i flailed and panicked. i grabbed hold of the edge of the cliff and felt your palms against mine before i watched you fall head-first to the ravine. and then your unmoving body across the ravine, as water chose to weave its way past your body and your shirt was drenched.

and the words i scrawled in red - i borrowed it. and i took it away. i hid mine, to make sure you would not know i wrote that note just to have an excuse for you to look upon my words, to have your eyes move up on the letters, and foolishly hoping that you might, decipher me too.

we entered and exited many rooms. rooms that were arranged in a circular pattern. rooms that led nowhere but round and round and through countless openings. and loud boisterous music. after a while, i felt lost, i was lost.

so near yet so far

you were right next to me
but we were miles apart in our thoughts.
and miles apart we'll always be.

my fingernails dig into flesh.